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"Sirius has three satellites in orbit right now—all of which can read your thoughts and know what you did last summer."

SATELLITES OF LOVE

Sirius, XM Close $200+ Million Each In Latest Rounds Of Funding
We're not sure who's going to be the bigger player in satellite radio broadcasting, so we'll do the butt-kissing in alphabetical order.

Sirius Satellite Radio, not the brainchild of genius Australian actor Yahoo Serious, closed its latest round of Lehman Brothers-underwritten financing. The company sold 11.5 million shares at $21 per. Sirius has three satellites in orbit right now—all of which can read your thoughts and know what you did last summer—and for a monthly fee of $9.95, consumers will someday be able to hear up to 100 channels of digital quality music, talk and other such non-picture things.

Not to be outdone, Satellite Radio competitor XM Satellite Radio is offering 7.5 million shares of its Bear, Stearns & Co.-managed stock at $10.1875—no, we don't have any change for a .0005—and $125 million worth of Convertible Subordinated Notes, due 2006. XM raised $201.4 million with the offerings. XM is launching its first satellite on March 18 and its second in early May. Service, with up to 100 channels of—does this sound familiar?—digital quality music, talk and other such non-picture things is expected to begin this summer.

The first XM-ready radios hit store shelves today. We're actually saving our money for teleporters, which are expected by Christmas, and artificial kidneys, available now on eBay.

HITS LIST BLASTS OFF
Space is the place for Tay. (4/26a)
SONG STREAMS: SWIFT SETS STREAMING RECORD
What did you expect? (4/26a)
SPRING BREAKOUTS: THESE HEATERS ARE STILL HOT
Who's Boomin who. (4/26a)
SONG REVENUE: “SWEET” SMELLS OF SUCCESS
Life after "Church" (4/26a)
STAGECOACH: SETS TO SEE AND PLACES TO BE
Saddle up, cowboys and cowgirls. (4/26a)
THE NEW UMG
Gosh, we hope there are more press releases.
TIKTOK BANNED!
Unless the Senate manages to make this whole thing go away, that is.
THE NEW HUGE COUNTRY ACT
No, not that one.
TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN PLAYLIST
Now 100% unlicensed!
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