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THIS ITEM PAIRS EXCEPTIONALLY WELL WITH STRAINED CARROTS

"Hey, congrats on getting Zach on the cover, dad," proclaims Leo Bay-Schuck, scion of Warner Records CEO Aaron. "But as far as the rest of this doorstop goes, who writes this crap?" It's a fair question, but we should note that Leo is already reading at a higher level than most of our editorial staff. In a related story, HITS' 37th Anniversary Special is coming your way very soon, and Leo has already declared it "unconscionable pabulum."

HITS LIST SLIDES
INTO SUMMER
Fire up the grill. (5/24a)
TORTURED POETS IN PARIS: TAY STRUMS THE BASTILLE WITH NEW ACOUSTIC SET
Another week, another iteration (5/24a)
SONG REVENUE: TRIAD
They're in the money. (5/24a)
DOJ FILES ANTITRUST LAWSUIT AGAINST LIVE NATION
A game of Monopoly on Capitol Hill (5/24a)
NEAR TRUTHS:
HOWDY, PARTNER
Redrawing the Mason-Dixon Line (5/24a)
THE NEW UMG
Gosh, we hope there are more press releases.
TIKTOK BANNED!
Unless the Senate manages to make this whole thing go away, that is.
THE NEW HUGE COUNTRY ACT
No, not that one.
TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN PLAYLIST
Now 100% unlicensed!
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