I'M RANDY RAINBOW AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE

The political world was rocked this year by the entry of Randy Rainbow—the Grammy and Emmy-nominated singer, producer, actor, satirist and author of bestselling New York Times autobiography Playing With Myself—into the 2024 presidential race.

Mr. Rainbow’s impressive electoral qualifications include a background in musical theater. This led to his collaboration with famed lyricist Marc Shaiman on Rainbow’s holiday EP, Hey Gurl, It’s Christmas!, which debuted at #1 on both the comedy albums chart and the iTunes Holiday chart.

Randy Rainbow’s first full-length studio album, A Little Brains, A Little Talent, scored another #1 comedy debut and features duets with Patti LuPone, Tituss Burgess, Bernadette Peters and Josh Gad, as well as the gifted multihyphenate’s first writing collaboration with EGOT recipient Alan Menken.

Now, in an exclusive interview with HITS, Mr. Rainbow, a man described by the late Stephen Sondheim as “brilliant,” details his vision for America under (and over) the Rainbow Administration.

Mr. Rainbow, what an honor to finally meet you. Thank you so much for agreeing to do this interview for HITS’ Pride Special. How does “President Rainbow” sound to you?

It sounds divine. “President Rainbow.” I like it. It’s very gay.

Why are you running for president?

I am running because, frankly, the country needs me. We’re in dire straits, if you haven’t noticed. But mostly it’s so that I can exact revenge on my enemies. That’s really the truth, if you want to cut the shit. I plan to weaponize every agency, starting with the DOJ. And as soon as I’m sworn in, I will have my attorney general investigating every ex-boyfriend, casting director and customer-service representative who’s ever done me dirty. [After a long pause] But also for the good of the country.

How has your candidacy been received? These are very polarized times.

You know, a lot of these lunatic right-wing groups think that I have some sort of gay agenda. I’ll just clear it up for the record here and now. That’s absolutely true. Given the opportunity to be president, I will implement a five-point plan, which I’m not going to get into now. You know, I’m writing a book too. That’s another reason I’m running for office. It’s a great way to hock my wares. And I got a lot of product to push right now.

Well, there’s certainly a lot of precedent for that. Does the book have a title?

It’s called Low-Hanging Fruit: Sparkling Wines, Champagne Problems and Pressing Issues From My Gay Agenda. So this all ties in. But my five-point plan to restore America’s fabulousness—because that’s really where we should be focused—has a slogan: Finally America’s Gay Again. Or as I affectionately call it, FAGA.

What would the Rainbow Administration be doing on Day One?

Well for one thing, I will be packing the Supreme Court. And not just with progressive justices, but with drag queens. I think that’s the most effective way to combat these extremists who have hijacked the Supreme Court and are trying to dismantle our rights. So, for every conservative judge, I will add justices like Trixie Mattel and Bianca Del Rio. And she’s a bitch, so that’s really going to be good.

How would you deal with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who has implemented a “Don’t Say Gay” law?

How would I deal with him? Well, first of all, I’ll build a wall along the northern border of Florida, which will not only keep DeSantis out of the rest of the country it will also prevent my mother from visiting me so frequently.

Who is going to pay for the wall?

Rush Limbaugh will pay for the wall.

Rush Limbaugh will pay for the wall posthumously?

Well, I don’t know how he wants to pay. I mean, cash, check or credit card.

Final question, and I know it’s something the whole country is waiting to hear you answer: Who are you going to choose as your running mate?

This is something that I’ve really spent a lot of time thinking about. In fact, minutes. Just five minutes before we started this interview, someone said you might ask me this. So then I thought about it. And it’s important because one of the things that we really pretend to care most about is the role of vice president. And so I will be choosing my running mate prudently to ensure the best choice for the American people [pauses to check phone].

I’ll be doing it the same way other great American presidents before me have done it: on Grindr. I like to get right to the heart of the matter. I want to see who these people really are. So, I’ll be spending hours sifting through profiles and dick pics. I will come up with the right choice. I have no doubt.

Speaking of vice presidents, Mike Pence was once in that role. I’m sure you would never want to see your vice president hanged.

I think it’s very important that we have a well-hung vice president.

Thank you, Mr. Rainbow. Stay safe on the campaign trail.

[Campaign aides are now hurriedly moving him on to his next event. As Randy Rainbow reaches the door, he brushes them away like gnats and looks directly at me, intent on making a final policy statement.] Oh, I almost forgot, and this is important. Make sure you get this right: You can preorder my book on Amazon.

Thank you, Mr. Rainbow!

[But by then, like a flaming comet, America’s trailblazer-in-chief had already vanished into the night. All that remained was a pink hat. I picked it up and, journalistic ethics be damned, put it on proudly: Finally America’s Gay Again!]